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The writing is on the wall if anyone, just anyone is willing to see. We know politicians and their cronies and administrators and their lackeys will look away and go an hunt for the most implausible and far fetched explanations that no one, but they, will buy. The likes of us may utter a few concerned exclamations, maybe allot it some space in their next social event and move on. What I am referring to is the horrific death of 23 innocent children whose only fault was to have eaten their midday meal in their school, the very meal meant to provide the very nourishment they need to grow healthy and strong. Instead it too away their lives.

When we began pwhy way back in 2000, I was involved in some networking with the Delhi administration and  one of the things discussed were the midday meal. At that them a proposal was mooted, but of course rejected, of having mothers form cooperatives and cook the midday meal of the school their children go to. Needless to state that the reason it was shot down was that it did not allow space for corruption of any sort. Instead the programme was used to gratify friends and acolytes enabling them to loot abashedly. In some states this approach was selected and needless to say the children get well cooked and nourishing hot food. In some states however the ‘contract’ was awarded to big businesses who dole out supplements of sorts to replace the midday meal of creches and schools. But ‘supplements’ are supplement to something, and these children have nothing to supplement. They often depend on this hot meal to survive and hopefully thrive.

Sadly this is not the case. We are so corrupt that we do not even spare children. The midday meal looks great on paper but this not the case in reality. In the national capital the food is sub standard and barely edible. Our children are fed with grain crawling with worms, flies and even lizards. In one state, the contract was given to a liquor baron. The bottom line is that the amount of money to be made runs into thousands of crores and everyone wants a share of the pie. Nobody gives a hoot about the beneficiaries: voiceless and hapless children.

The midday meal or a clone of it is part of the new Food Security Ordinance. I cannot begin to imagine how it will work better under this new cloak. A quick glance at the series of article on the subject paints a gloomy and disturbing picture.

When we ran a small residential unit for Manu and our boarding school aspirants, we had a tight budget, but the one thing we never compromised on was food. I cannot imagine what kind of being you have to be to want to enrich yourself on food meant for children and starving people.

I do not think that the new avatar will change things for children but know that it will enrich many on the way. And no one will fight for the children. They will continue to die.

How many deaths will it take to clean our Augean stables.

It is a reality that should make us hang our heads in shame. In a country where millions go hungry every day, where 5000 kids under the age of 5 die every day of malnutrition related diseases, we allow food grain to rot every year. The latest report comes at a time when the Government has rushed its Food Security Bill through an ordinance. In Bhogola, the wheat sacks are kept in the open and are completely getting drenched in the rain. The ones that are covered with polythene sheets are also not protected as these sheets are torn at places. Rotting grain is an old issue. Multiple articles and stories have appeared in the media over the years. In spite of Supreme Court orders and a plethora of social programmes that are rammed down our throats time and again, nothing has changed. India remains a poor country with pathetic roads, no electricity, insufficient and poorly run schools and abysmal health care. An interesting article explains in its own manner the reason for this immobility. Now we have all been ‘gifted’ the Food Security Bill, a supposed panacea for all the nutrition problems of the country. Yippee!!! I wonder how a given quantity of grains to 800 million people will solve malnutrition and address the problem of undernutrition.

Breaking News. I interrupt the flow of this post to share some terribly distressing news: 20 children under the age of 10 have died after consuming the midday meal served in their school. It seems the rice had some lethal pesticide in it. It seemed it may not have been properly washed. Whatever the reason, nothing can forgive this criminal Act.

The midday meal is also an important part of the said Bill. If they cannot get their act together now, what miracle will occur to change things. Maybe one should have set one’s house in order before conjuring new plans. Malnourished children die of diseases that are preventable. Maybe we should look at this more closely rather than dole out more suspicious hand outs. It is all in the name of garnering vote banks: the ruling party brings an ordinance, the opposition will not dare oppose it in spite of its flaws as every one needs to woo the poor. There are sufficient schemes in place the intelligent and honest approach would have been to simply ensure every one of these work adequately. But that is not the way things work in our country. You need new programmes to add new avenues for corrupt people.

The new ordinance has flaws. The obvious one is that a certain amount of grain given to a person does not solve malnutrition which is the main bane of the country. This needs preventive medical care, sanitation and safe drinking water. To curb undernutrition the 9 months and 1000 first days of a child are crucial. Early malnutrition cannot be reversed.

This bill is no magic pill. It is just one more political gimmick aimed at retaining power. When will we see politicians truly willing to put their house in order?

The beast gnawing mercilessly my loved one for the past year now has finally been exposed. It has a fancy name meant to scare you and hold you in fear: Hodgkins t cell histiocyte rich large b cell lymphoma. This is the third time it has dared attack my loves ones and won the last two battles. This battle is mine to win. The last two times it kept us in such dread that we were terrorised to called it by its name. The C word was banned in my home, the same home I sit in today in the early morning and write these words. But this time I named it before anyone could give me medical spiel. TO me he is ZOZO. This t cell and b cell saga will not instill the alarm and panic it did last time. If you google it you find a load of scientific mumbo jumbo that means nothing to the layperson and is again meant to terrorise you. Actually the whole C Saga (cancer) seems to have been created to enrich the medical fraternity by giving it a larger than life image. When you patiently crawl and sift through all the information you get, you find that it has a fairly good chance of cure. Sorry I hate the word remission. I will hold on to cure.

However I want the control of the cure to be in my hands and blissfully my family doc will hold my hand and avoid I fall into the traps commercial medicine will lay for me along the way. In addition to what I feel is adequate and humane, I will draw strength from the age old medical traditions that have been so brutally and contemptuously been cast aside by those who think they know all. I will also starve the beast with all the foods it hates. I will go to the end of the world and farther to ferret out all every single option that will help my love one heal.

As I said earlier this is a battle I either win or die fighting.

This is the brave side. The one I have carefully and painstakingly crafted in the past weeks, since the word C entered our personal lexicon again. It is my battle gear: the words and expression to battle greedy men in white; the face to maintain while being buffeted by commiseration that will annoy, advise and questions you have to answer and above all the one to be perfected so that my loved one feels that everything is possible and that cure is just around the corner. Can’t he see it in my face.

This brings back a memory long forgotten. I must have been four and we had a terrible car accident in which my mother had broken many bones: ribs, sternum etc. I was barely hurt as she had protected me – no seat belts then – and looking at her started wailing thinking she would die. She just kept smiling, hiding her pain, and talking to me in reassuring words till help came, last as she had not let out a scream. I am not Kamala. But today Mama I need you to give me that strength and composure. I know you will.

However behind this brave face that is I hope well in place, I am breaking into million pieces. I am angry, scared, hurt, helpless and alone. The tears that are welling inside me threaten to come out and it takes me all my strength to stop them coming. Do tears dry inside you. I hope they do.

The C word can shred you of your dignity, take away your wealth and your life’s effort. I will not let it do so. I will heed good advice and shun the rest. I will draw strength from my nuclear family, my little grandson and the one that came into my life a decade ago and all my pwhy family, that is all of you.

Maybe pwhy came into my life so that I would not be alone in my time of trouble.

A news item this morning brought back memories I had vowed to forget. The item entitled: Rice with insects, clothes with holes took me back to so many instances of shameless beings who feel that anything is good enough for charity. We have had our share of such people and their interpretation of the word ‘charity’. According to many ‘rich’ ladies everything is good enough for charity: broken toys, incomplete games, copy books filled up to the last page, torn and useless clothes. We were even ‘gifted’ an undergarment with a sanitary pas still attached to it!

The article I mentioned above is about the relief being sent to the flood victims of Uttarkhand. Why do people think that poor people or disaster afflicted people have no dignity or self respect. Why do people not put themselves in the place of those they are sending their supposed charity and think how they would feel. Is rice with insects something they would eat?

Donations we receive time and again do not seem to be something that has been done from the heart, clothes carefully chosen, washed and ironed before they are packed. It seems more like someone is emptying cupboards and store rooms and instead of selling it to the kabari wallahs, makes a phone call to a chosen NGO and asks them to come and pick the ‘donation’ up. We have been caught in this too many times. Now if the phone rings and one recognises the number of one of the ‘generous’ ladies, one does not pick the phone up. I am sure the said lady has a list of NGOs and just moves on to the next.

Over the years we have had many such experiences. One of the most upsetting one was when the PR person of a known actor badgered us to cart a child who needed heart surgery to some place to be interviewed! The flip side is a letter I received from a young child asking me whether it was wrong  to help those in need. Thank God for people like her otherwise one would simply give up on life itself rather than be part of this ugly world.

I have been often asked why we sponsor open heart surgeries for the poor who can according to them have more kids! I have given up getting outraged. It is too exhausting. How do you explain to someone that a mother whether poor or uber rich loves her child in the same manner, that parents whether poor or rich will do everything they can, and in the case of the poor sell everything they possess to give their child the best treatment possible. How do you explain to someone that the loss of a child is a painful and traumatic for any mother rich or poor. You just don’t. You simply grit your teeth and walk away. I remember the night when the story of the first open heart surgery had been aired with my number and the strange and disturbing calls I received throughout the night. One caller asked me if I could guarantee that the operation would be successful and the child would live. I felt like telling him that I could not guarantee whether he would see the next day, but rephrased my thought my telling him I could not ‘guarantee’ whether I would be alive. I would like to tell that caller that the boy is alive and kicking and is in class XII. And before I end this tale, I need to tell you that the fact that the story came on air is also worth counting. Actually a journalist friend had written a piece about this boy in a leading newspaper. It was to be front page on the Sunday edition. A late night call informed me that the story had been killed and replaced by the story of a rich lady who had paid 50K to the person who had found her lost dog. This made me so mad that I did what I never do: asked for a favour!

There are many instances that reveal this ugly aspect of our society. One of the most hurtful one was when a lady flew into a rant when I tried to explain to her how our boarding school programme ran. She could not understand how one could spend so much money on just a poor slum kid! It took all my savoir faire not to slap her.

India would be transformed if we accepted the concept of the neighbourhood school. But that would mean accepting that our child share a bench with our driver’s daughter.

Long way to go….

I went on a net search to find the origin of this expression. This metaphor was coined by Stephen Covey and seems to be a way of strengthening family ties. It is definitely worth a read as it could help restoring trust within members of a family. I will however take some liberty and use the same expression in a slightly divergent manner. We all face difficult times and have our own ways of facing them. When faced with a situation when a dear and loved one is facing emotional upheavals and processing facts that are painful and often felt as unmerited, they rely on their partner to draw the strength they do not have and take the decisions that they fear. This is where I stand today. In all the challenges that I have faced during our 40 years together, he has been the one to hold my hand and walk me through. When I have been slighted by one and all, his trust remained unwavering. Be it a personal or a work issue, he has never failed me in any manner whatsoever.

Today he has again put his trust in my hands and I cannot fail him. Starting this week I will have to take life altering decisions and stand by them. I will have to answer questions, will have to face commiserations and listen to a plethora  of advice with a smile on my face and yet firm in my mind that I will only follow my intuition and hart. This is a journey I do not look forward to and yet cannot escape. The roadmap is not in my hands neither is the final destination but whatever it may be, I will be held responsible for every step.

To be able to undertake this journey I need to fill my emotional bank to the brim as I will be drawing on it to simply keep myself afloat and moving ahead. This can only be filled by the love, trust and support of all those who have believed in me in the past years and have become more than family. Without each one of you I will not be able to keep my brave face on and not break. I hope you will be there for me. 

I have always believed that nothing in life is fortuitous. This in reality is a lesson my father gave me quite early in life when he told me that no at single leaves moves without the will of a higher spirit. For the religious I guess it is God in whatever shape, for the non believer it could be a greater force. Anyway the outcome is the same. Every thing happens for a reason. I got a mail this morning from a very spirited young lady I admire immensely. She wrote in French and I reproduce her words and give a translation to the best of my ability.

Mais en même temps, on a de la chance de vivre au moins jusque 50 ans, il y en a en ce moment qui meurent de faim avant l’âge de 2 ans, ou qui meurent entassés dans des bateaux d’immigrés, ou des enfants soldats. Tu sais tout ça mieux que moi. La vie nous donne une chance d’être nés dans des milieux plutôt sécurisés, et on sais que ce sera le cancer ou un arrêt cardiaque qui va sûrement nous surprendre un jour. On a le choix de vivre sa vie comme on le  veut en attendant.

“But at the same time we have the good fortune to live till we are fifty or more whilst there are those who today die of hunger before they are two, or those who die crammed in immigrant boats or child soldiers. You know this better than me. Life has given us the advantage to be born in secure and privileged environments and we know that it will cancer or a heart attack that will catch us unawares one a day. Till then we have the choice to live our lives as we want to.”

In the midst of all the kindness and support that have been coming my way, it is these words from a very young lady that brought me back to hearth and out of the state of self-pity that I was finding myself sinking into. I said it in one of my last post cancer is just another vehicle of death like millions of others some as innocuous as a banana peel! I was about to let myself be ‘seduced’ by the larger than life image many have given this ailment as it’s cure has so many zeroes attached it that it makes it dazzling to our innocent eyes. And we get lured as carefully scripted and delivered spiels are directed our way. We are so overwhelmed by this manufacture hydra headed monster and we allow it to take all the place in our lives. And in doing so, we forget all the wonderful things that have been so generously gifted to us, the first being the enabling environment to make it this far.

Instead of spending all our time and strength and money (we often do not have) in looking for cures proliferate as we are such easy targets, let us take a few moments and look at all that has come our way and feel deeply grateful for not having been born a child who would never see her second birthday after having slept almost a thousand nights hungry. In a country where almost 5000 such innocent and beautiful children die every day robbed of their morrows, we have seen 5 or6 or 7 decades. Isn’t that precious. Have been thankful enough for this wonder or just accepted it as our ‘due’! So of we go the ‘due’ way then the cancer is also our ‘due’; we cannot be selective or dishonest.

We still have time and above all have choices that we can exercise. Think about those who have none, even when attacked by the same beast. We can live our remaining years either in ‘remission’ and abeyance and get lured by this new lexicon that is thrown at us or treat this ailment as we would any other and live each day as if it was the last doing all that is left on that forgotten bucket list of ours.

The Grim Reaper will come at the appointed time. Till then we have the luxury of living life as we want. Are we not blessed?

For the past month or so you may have seen a flurry of posts that sound more personal and often have nothing to do with pwhy or any of the subject I usually rant about. I seek your understanding and extend my apologies. I am a mere mortal with her shares of problems and challenges. Some are too insignificant to be shared  and blow way. Others however have the power to annihilate you totally if you are not careful. I am at such a crosswind at the moment.

Over the past few years I have come to realise that writing has become my catharsis. By laying my soul bare on the a sheet of paper or should I say a bland screen and pressing the key that will make the words fly across the universe I feel a tremendous emotional release. It is almost a sense of freedom, or rather the warm feeling that there are wonderful souls to share my pain with, souls who will understand and lend a helping hand.

I entreat you to be there for me in the difficult days that await me.

A little word from you will make all the difference

 How would you feel if your labour of 13 years was judged in 3 days and dismissed as inadequate and unworthy to be given a second chance? Not good I presume particularly if you have spent 13 years of your time to build it brick by brick from scratch. Sadly this is what happened to me, to us at pwhy a couple of days ago. I will not go into the details. I hold no bad feelings, I gave up those long ago. I simply hope against hope that this unfair dismissal will not cast a slur on the relentless effort of those who have put heart and soul in making pwhy what it is today. However, when such occurrences happen, I feel the need of taking a harsh and candid look at what we have achieved, to assess where we went wrong and could we have done things better. The recent incident made that more imperative than ever.

I feel particularly hurt as it seems that a lack of some creature comforts that could have been sorted out, reflect on the hard work of a wonderful team and the morrows of almost one thousand deprived children. These children depend on the generosity of donors the world over and the slightest slur can put an end to their hopes and smiles.

I chose to put a picture of the wonderful smiles of Umesh and Anurag who are two children of our special section and have been with us for many years. I browsed our old pictures and found these! How big they have grown and how happy they look today! I am not boasting but had we not been there I wonder what would have happened to them. For the past decade, these two lads and many of their companions have been coming to pwhy and every day and spending some hours laughing and learning, something that is the right of every child but is often denied to children with special needs. If just for that I think I can say we at least did something right. I still remember the cold morning when a lady dropped in to our office with four or five kids in tow, Umesh being one of them and asking us if we had a class for children with special needs as the one these children went to had suddenly shut its doors and moved to greener pastures. It did not take me a second to tell her that we did not but would start one.

And our first class for special children was on the

pavement. It was winter and a blissfully a sunny one, so the classes could be held out in the open. They shared their space with a bunch of class X boys who were busy preparing for their Boards. But come the heat and it became impossible for the special class to stay in the open. A quick switch was made and the English classes that were held in a small mud hut became their classroom. Soon primary classes were added and we taught every where and any where: a reclaimed park where we erected a lovely tent, in between buildings
when we were thrown out of the park, in a reclaimed garbage dump. Any space would do, as long as we could continue our work. From a handful of kids, we became hundreds and even touched a thousand! We fought every battle needed: the slum lords, the wily unions, the scheming politicos but survived each battle. We met every challenge thrown at us and found solutions: be it life saving surgeries, destitute women or unfair court cases. We did at times have to lick our wounds but they healed faster than we could imagine as they seemed paltry compared to the smiles that filled our lives.

Our kids have grown. The little girl leading the morning walk of our very first creche is now a stunning young lady in class VII. She studies in a public school as her family has understood the importance of education and has tightened their belt to give her the best education. One of our first students in class I has completed her schooling and is now a teacher at pwhy. A young boy who joined the classes we ran for a gypsy camp because of the young international volunteers who taught there. He completed his education, worked as a teacher with pwhy and is now an international ramp model!

There are so many heart warming stories that make up the 13 years of project why. All of them have been shared in the 1500 posts of this blog. We have also shared our errors, our lapses, our failures as candidly as possible.

Today when I stand at a crossroad, wondering whether it would be wiser to wind up this unwieldy project that has grown because I followed my heart at every single moment, or maybe scale it down by applying some hard logic leaving the heart aside, I just have to take a walk down memory lane to see how absurd the idea is.

I only wish people did not judge 13 years of work in 3 short days!

My very first encounter with the word ‘cancer’ was circa 1957. My grandmother was diagnosed with ‘cancer’. I was five. All I remember is mama’s silent tears as she read a letter that was delivered to her through the weekly diplomatic bag. We were in Rabat where my father was posted. In those times there were no dial up phones or internet. News from India came once a week in the ‘bag’. Sometimes later I was told my Nani had ‘cancer’. I did not know what ‘cancer’ was. I only knew it made my mama sad and sometimes made her cry. cancer was a bad word. That is what the little five year thought and went with her life. On July 13th 1958 a telegram arrived. Telegrams were often bearers of bad news. My Nani had died. ‘Died’ was also a bad word as it made mama cry and papa sad. She had died of cancer. Now the little girl was sure that ‘cancer’ was a very bad word! I did not know then that it would become my greatest enemy with many battles lost!

Life went on. Between postings across the globe, we always spent time in India in Meerut where my grandfather lived. For the little girl it was her Nana and Nani’s house but this time there was no Nani. She had died of cancer. I had memories of her, memories that still linger in my mind today and bring a smile on my face; memories of baths taken together, of mangoes eaten under the mango tree, of delicious food my Nani use to cook sitting on a charpoy under the same mango tree. As I grew up, my mama told me many stories about my Nani and I realised what a special woman she was.

The word cancer would reappear in my life as I grew up from child do adolescent. Mama had a lump, mama needed surgery and a biopsy. But then all would be well when the results came in. Cancer was always a fear that kept cropping in and out of our lives. But mercifully till 1989 it remained just that: a fear quickly allayed.

But things were to change forever. On a sunny afternoon in the summer of 1989 a phone call from my father changed my life forever. We were in Prague on a posting. My parents were in Paris and had promised to visit us. We were all excited at spending some time together in the city where I was born. The call was from papa. Mama had had an opacity in one of her lungs and had had what looked like a stroke as she seemed to have lost her recent memory. I rushed to Paris and was shocked to see a woman who in no way looked like my mama. She was lost in her own world and frightened like a child. In hindsight that was the day I lost my mother. The last year  of her life she had been hijacked by the opacity as we were not allowed to use the word ‘cancer’. I do not know whether it was instinct or vanity but mama never visited a doctor, never wanted any treatment, never agreed to pain management. She bore it all with rare dignity and great courage. She died in my arms living life to its very end.

It was hard on papa and I but we respected her decisions even though her hearts broke each time we saw her smile through the deep lines of a pain she tried to hide. I wish I had known about alternative therapies, about nutrition, about the many ways the beast could be fought. But we were greenhorns papa and I, and only knew about medical treatment that shred every ounce of dignity you had. We had ignored the beast as that was what mama wanted and he took her away.

As papa and I sat licking our wounds and missing her smile, the beast decided to strike again, this time it was papa. Had he somatized the ailment that snatched the love of his life. I do not know. What I know is that one fine morning papa complained of a bleed. It was the beast again, the one who had kept me in fear for half a century. This time we went for the medical ‘protocols’ that translated into a mutilating surgery that robbed my father of his dignity and will to live. It took just 29 days.

I was told that I was high risk, and that I needed to be checked every year. This was unacceptable to me. I would not live my life in fear of the beast but instead of trying to avoid it by nor naming it and letting it run wild, I would learn every thing about it. I read books and more books, survivor stories, alternative therapies, different options. I learnt about nutrition that could prevent it from attaching and put myself on a diet. I began to exercise, meditate, do yoga, gi quong. I had to take the bull by its horns and rid myself of the fear I had nursed far too long. I was ready for it should it attack.

But it had other plans. Surreptitious and insidious ones. It again attacked a loved one in the most unexpected manner. But what it does not know is that I am prepared. First of all I am going to give it a name of my own and address it directly. Zozo is what comes to my mind and Zozo it will be! So Zozo, you want a fight, you will get one and remember David conquered Goliath.

I do not know why you have been given an exalted status. People die of a myriad of illnesses but no one says a malaria survivor, a leprosy survivor or a dengue survivor. Death comes at a given time, and you are just the chosen bearer. Maybe you serve the interest of pharmaceutical businesses and commercialised health care. And too many fall into your trap. I to did once, but not anymore.

 I am ready for you in every which way possible. I will make informed decisions, I will use an arsenal you cannot even begin to imagine. I will chose each and every weapon I have mastered over the years. I will starve you giving you all the things you hate. I will hit you with targeted bullets of all shapes and sizes. I will not leave you a moment of peace. This is a battle where if needed David will die before allowing Goliath to win.

Let the battle begin!

Blissfully till now my trysts with the medical mafia were few, far away and second hand. They were oft recounted by people I knew and sometimes by my project why family for whom private – commercial – modern medicine is a sine qua non to social mobility. Just like for weddings they will be beg, borrow and steal to get their dear ones admitted to one of the top medical five star facilities. I feel appalled and angry when I see people paying tens of thousands of rupees for c

Just like public schools mushroomed a few years back, private hospitals, some obscenely grandiose, are proliferating at every corner of our city. They come as a counterpoint to the avalanche of private health insurance companies that promise the world and more. Somehow the whole symphony sounds extremely false and is the absolute opposite of the spirit of the Hippocratic Oath! You even have a modern version now! I think I am going to write a desi version sometimes in the near future.

I have never been one to plan life with logic and good sense. I am more the one who leaves everything in the hands of the one residing above and take life a day at a time. So I am not the one who took time reading the fine print of a loved one’s insurance cover. A simple query that was answered by a short: everything was enough to satisfy my fleeting need. I must confess that there are moments or rather issues that I deal with hubris.

Someone had other plans as my carefully crafted world got a blow that almost knocked me out. In spite of all my careful orchestrating I forget that life’s symphony is composed by another we have no hold on. I who had clamoured with misplaced confidence that I would never – never say never again- allow myself to be caught in the vortex of private and commercial healthcare suddenly found myself in the midst of it! The never read lines revealed their truth. The everything so easily accepted turned out to be a maze best typified as illogical. It turned out that the post and number of years toiled in a PSU entitled you to a double room. I wanted a single one. Naive as I am I thought that paying the difference would be sufficient! Not at all was what I was about to discover in a well staged and acted play.

Twenty years ago, when my father needed a surgery there were no super speciality hospitals. You either went to a state run one or chose a nursing home. I selected the later. I was given a price list with different items, one of them being rooms. I chose the best. The rest of the items were fixed! But that is not how it goes now. It is the room that defines the price of the rest of the items be it the OT charges or the nursing ones. I wanted a single room for many reasons and tried to dig my heals. I was sent from pillar to post as I kept asking why this could not be. I was met by a series of people whose nomenclatures seemed more appropriate in a corporate house than in a home of healing. I got the whole enchilada from the kind and polite PRO, to the less kind and polite god knows who; from the seemingly understanding secretary of the Doctor to the most supposedly humane Doc who sent me back to another set of people whose kindness and politeness differed. After having been swung from here to there I was ready for the kill: a meeting with the head of finances, Cerberus herself, devoid of kindness and politeness who barked at me that there was no way I could get that single room, and if I did want it my bill would grow at an exponential rate. And that any way there were no single rooms available. And anyway you are a book judged by its cover and I was not wearing the right shoes, carrying the right bag and dripping with the right jewels.

I came back licking my wounds and trying to rearrange my head in accepting that my poor partner will be subjected to the snores of another. Trying to come to terms with the fact that we would not be able to be with him as a family. So alternate plans were drafted and it was decided that we would admit him as late in the day as possible and get him out as soon as possible. I did not know then that the ‘protocol’ – a word with a whole new meaning for a diplomat’s daughter – was to keep a patient in ICU one whole night even if the surgery is minor. Actually in state run hospitals they would send you back in a few hours. We got our open heart surgery kids back in three days! But we are now in the realm of commercial health and the meter has to keep running for as long as possible. Makes me sick when I see the millions who cannot and do not get access to any form of humane treatment.

So as per plan we shipped the husband to the hospital late in the night! Imagine my surprise when I was told that he had been given a single room! Was it an answer to my entreaties or to my prayers. I do not know. But I feel a little better knowing I beat the system.

Popples a.k.a. Utpal left yesterday morning. It was heart wrenching as for the very first time after many comings and goings he was sobbing. Normally I got a Bye Maam’ji as he hopped into the car and most of the times did not look back. This time however there were tears an hour before leaving and then in the car. I was deprived of my hug and smile. I would have liked to see him go with a big smile as this is a time when my emotional bank needs to be filled to the brim as I am going through tough times and will need all  the support I can muster. A weeping child was not  what I wanted to see. It almost felt ominous and I quickly brushed the idea aside. I could not afford to go that way.

Later when I was a little calmer I tried to analyse young fellow’s behaviour and it all came to my in a flash. Utpal had spent the whole summer holidays at home and had a great time. But that was not all. I guess for the first time he felt part of the family, a new experience for this little lad whose life till recent times yo-yoed between sordid homes, midway rehab homes, boarding school, our women centre, and many others including mine. But this time he had savoured the comfort and security of a home though he is still battling with relationships, something we need to help him with. Agastya being there made the  departure harder as the last month had been filled with fun and laughter. I guess anyone would have cried his heart out. I could make peace with the tears that were far from being ominous were a sign that we were all hoping for.

Today I went to GK M Block market a favourite haunt of my two little fellows. The reason: the toy shops of course.  But I just needed to purchase some inane need. As I walked into the market I suddenly felt terribly alone. There was no one tagging along, no little hand in mine and no one calling me Nani or Maam’ji! No one dragging me to the ‘toy shop’ and no visit to the the famed toy shop(s) with demands fired at me from both end of the proverbial ‘gun’. Today I could go where I wanted, browse every shop in the market. Today I did not have to halt at the Pizza vendor and order three slices of pizza for my ever hungry big boy, or look for the missing ice cream vendor for my tiny vanilla ice cream lover. Yes I could do what I wanted except rewind the clock and savour one more of those delightful moments.

I miss you!

Don’t lose faith in her were my pa’s final dying words. ‘Her’ in this occurrence is India. That was 21  years ago. I must admit it has been no easy task to keep the faith, specially as for the past 13 years I have seen its underbelly in more ways than one. One often plays the game of comparing persons to animals. In India’s case it would be loads of hyenas and vultures who feed on the helplessness, hopelessness, vulnerability and despair of others. To keep faith is not easy task and yet when you are about to give up, a cameo appears unexpectedly and brings back to your senses. This has happened to me over and over again and perhaps that is why in the midst of corruption, scandals, gimmickry and aberrations one holds on to that little glimmer of hope.

For the past month I have been going to the Temple every morning as I have taken a pledge to do so for the well being of my loved one. Every morning I get a red thread tied on my wrist by a so called priest sitting outside the sanctum sanctorum. Like all Hindu mores, this too has a series of rites prescribed for the last day when you cut all the threads. One of them is of course giving alms to the priest. Imagine my shock this morning when the said priest asked me for a mobile phone as his ‘fee’. I was surprised and outrage. Even religion had its share of hyenas and vultures. I almost swore to myself that I would stop visiting temples once for all.

But someone had other plans. As I walked back the long alley that leads to the temple I saw a mother combing the hair of her elder daughter while her two younger daughters stood by. What was striking was that all three were in their school uniforms. I could not resists asking if they went to school and the mother proudly said that they did. A simple glance at the two large plastic bags stuffed with things confirmed that I had suspected. They were beggars who lived in the Temple and slept on the long covered interspersed with a few fans. That is in fact the 5* sleeping place for beggars. The woman and her husband begged during the day but sent their three daughters to school. I asked the little girl if she went to tuition as without tuition there is scant learning in our schools. The mother proudly said that her elder one did and she paid 600 rs a month! I told them about project why and will ensure that the girls get admission as soon as possible. Just for this one could not give up on India!

But India – as represented by its rulers and administrators as well as by the likes of us – has given up on these children who have the same rights as any other child. Who will be their voice? Makes one hang our heads in shame.

But what is really striking to me about India, much more than most other countries I have been to, is the indifference of privileged sectors to the misery of others. These words are an excerpt of a recent interview Noam Chomsky gave to a leading magazine. If one[ could do a word or rather thought search of the almost 1500 blogs I have written over the least 7 years, one would find this thought echoed a zillion times!

In the very same issue of the magazine there is another interview of an eminent sociologist. The book in question is Dipankar Gupta’ s Revolution from Above. In his opinion the much needed social change can only come from above, from what he calls the ‘citizen elite’. I guess people like you and me. And empathy is the condition of social change. I can but agree. I have just purchased the book and may share further thoughts when I finish reading it.

Turning Indifference to Empathy seems to be the way to change India. But the question is how do you do this. In the Chomsky interview there is a very telling incident that I would like to quote here. It speaks volumes about how indifferent we have become. But what is really striking to me about India, much more than most other countries I have been to, is the indifference of privileged sectors to the misery of others. You walk through Delhi and cannot miss it, but people just don’t seem to see it. Everyone is talking about ‘Shining India’ and yet people are starving. I had an interesting experience with this once. I was in a car in Delhi and with me was (activist) Aruna Roy, and we were driving towards a demonstration. And I noticed that she wasn’t looking outside the window of the car. I asked her why. She said, “If you live in India, you just can’t look outside the window. Because if you do, you’d rather commit suicide. It’s too horrible. So you just don’t look.” So people don’t look, they put themselves in a bubble and then don’t see it. And those words are from somebody who has devoted her life to the lives of the poor, and you can see why she said that — the misery and the oppression are so striking, much worse than in any country I have ever seen. And it is so dramatic.

When will we garner the courage to look outside the window and not feel like committing suicide, but feel like screaming, feel like getting out of comfort zone and do something, however small. I presume that will be the day when the ‘citizen elite’ Dipankar Gupta talks about will be born. As long as we hide inside gated communities, as long as we refuse to look outside the window as we zip towards our favourite mall, as long as we continue to ‘shield’ our children from children from the other side of the divide, as long as we waste food with impunity, as long as we continue believing that India is ‘shining’ or ‘incredible’ nothing will change in this country. Children will continue to die of malnutrition @ 3 per minute. Rights like the one to education, or health or dignity will only reach the chosen few. And the divide between rich and poor will deepen by the second.

Some time back a relative conveyed to me trough the convenient  sms medium that I was  incapable of valuing relationships because I had no siblings. I blogged my hurt as writing out in the open is the best form of catharsis I know. The truth is I had a sibling, an older one. He lived for barely 48 hours and then gently flew away. And yet he was and remains an integral part of my life. He would have been 63 tomorrow. Last year, for the very first time, I felt the need to acknowledge his existence and wrote a letter to him! That letter made me realise that his little life of barely a few hours had made a huge difference to mine, and had he not died there would have been project why!Project why was started with the my parents bequeathed me; had he been around then things would have been different. I am sure he would have head a better head for finances and invested wisely. His bird brained sister simply used the capital. What came out of it is for all to see is a 13 year old project why and lots of happy smiles. So because a little life was truncated thousands of lives were bettered. Somehow I believe he is the little Angel who watches us from the Heavens. No life, however short or however wretched is in vain.

Take Manu. He lived almost 3 decades before we met on one scorching day 13 summers ago. Who would have thought that a pathetic and godforsaken soul like him could play such a huge role in making an ageing woman see her calling. Yet he did. If not for him project why may not have existed!

No life is too short, or too miserable. Every life has to be celebrated.

Today I celebrate a tiny life that made all the difference. Happy Birthday Ramesh Goburdhun!

One of the first ‘demands’ of parents of the slum where we began our work way back in 2000 was to teach their children English! Somehow these illiterate parents knew intuitively that knowing English would give their children a better start in life. We heeded to their request and as you well know by now the first ‘centre’ that we opened was a spoken English class that catered to about 40 students of all ages. I must say with some amount of pride that a large chunk of our first band speak good English and are gainfully employed. In those days classes were taken by a group of volunteers from the other side of the fence and thus their English was to say the least spot on!

Over the years Project Why mutated into a after school support operation and a well thought model was evolved that was based on employing local talent, thus people from the other side of the fence. Our mission was to ensure good results in school and contain drop outs. The space for English was thus restricted. International volunteers were assigned that task it was quasi impossible to find people who spoke good English willing to work at salaries we offered and in the conditions we worked in. In spite of this, our children are quite proficient in the language.

That English gives you a better start in life is a reality we are all aware of. However today’s blog is about how little knowledge of the language can land you in big trouble. There was a news item is yesterday’s paper that illustrates perfectly what I am trying to say. Here is an abridged version of the tale. Two young girls were carrying raw meat in their bag, probably their dinner. They were stopped by the officer in charge of the scanner. A journo decided to intervene and ask why meat that was neatly packed could not be carried in the metro. The man said it was a banned item and showed him a list of banned items pointing at the item: meat cleaver. The journo tried to explain that meat and meat cleaver were two different things but the man would not hear anything. The matter was taken to a superior and the girls were allowed in. However the man was still insisting he was right and the matter got out of hand with the poor journo being roughed up!

My first reaction was how come a meat cleaver appeared on the list of banned items. I guess it must be a lost borrowed from another country. And I agree that meat cleavers should not be allowed. But what this incident shows is that little knowledge is dangerous. The person manning the scanner did know the word ‘meat’ but had no idea of what a cleaver was. I do agree that ‘cleaver’ is not a word that appears in school books frequently but then I think the staff has to be trained and shown what the banned items are, or maybe one should add a picture of the items to overcome language inadequacies.

I felt sorry for the poor journo who was being gallant and a good Samaritan, but the incident brought a smile on my face and the inevitable reaction on the stupidity of the administration.

The very first day I started visiting the Kalka temple every morning at 7am, my attention was drawn to a woman many would called a beggar as that is how she supports herself. But I was drawn to her as to me she seemed regal and beautiful in a haunting way. On days when I did not see her,I would look for her and if I did not find her, I would leave a tad disappointed. Each time I saw her, sitting and sipping tea, talking to someone or just standing I would wish her with a loud: Jai Mai Ki! I was sort of mesmerised by her. She was always impeccably dressed in the brightest of colours, squeaky clean – not and easy task in this environment – and smiling. Sometimes I would slip her a few rupees which she accepted with extreme dignity, making me feel grateful. As days went by we used to exchange a few pleasantries. I must confess I looked forward to these small trysts. I was dying to hear her story but never asked anything for fear of offending her.

A few days back she stopped me. She wanted to ‘introduce’ me to her niece. She told me the little girl was orphaned and was being badly treated by the relatives she was living with. Bhavna is nine and a lovely child. She asked me if I could give the child some clothes as she only had the one she was wearing. She also told me that the child would be leaving soon. The nest day I gave her some money to buy the girl some clothes. I also asked her what her name was and how come she had landed in the temple. She did not tell me much but told me her name: Rani. Rani means queen in hindi, what else could she have been named.

Two days ago she told me she had decided not send Bhavna back but to keep her with her as she wanted her to get an educations. She asked me to help her do so. While we were talking a few of the regular beggars gathered around supporting her decision to ‘adopt’ Bhavna and offering to help in every way they could.

I could barely hold my tears. Of course we would help this child. But what moved me was how the very people we reject and sneer at, the ones that live on her so called ‘charity’  had a heart far larger than those who live behind gates or in impregnable mansions.

It was the biggest lesson in compassion I have received. Bless Rani to have allowed me to tiptoe into their world. I am humbled.

PS: this is not the best picture of my friend Rani. Will get a better one some day!

Utpal won two medals in a skating event held by a  local skating club. It was a national (!) event as there were participants from other states. Utpal life on skates is a long saga. In the summer of 2011, when he was very disturbed and almost unmanageable, Radhey his all time pal and my auto rickshaw driver suggested he take skating lessons that were held every evening at a nearby park. After much cajoling and coaxing he agreed. The rest is history. he took to skates like a fish to water and graduated to professional skates in no time. Somehow he felt empowered while skating. At that time his school had skating as an extra curricular activity and Utpal spent all the time he could on his skates. Sadly, for reasons I am unaware of, skating stopped in his school. It was heartbreaking when he brought his precious skates back on a short break. I then decided to make sure he continues skating when home on long breaks.

This summer, it was his pal Radhey who discovered a skating club in the area and Utpal joined it and began skating again. He was soon into figure skating and complex manoeuvres and one fine morning I was told about the competition and the need for dishing out 200 rs to register. I did.  A few days before the event, Utpal got the jitters and started making excuses for not wanting to participate. He did not want not to win! It was time to talk about winning and losing and the importance of participating regardless. It worked and Utpal participated in the event and won two medals. We were all thrilled and so was he as he proudly strutted around the house showing his medals to every one!

It has been a difficult year for me on the home front and moments of joy have been far and few. The two medals were much needed balm to a hurting soul. But more than that, they were the gentle reminders I needed to find the strength and the courage to carry on as I must admit there have been times during the last 12 months when I have been on the brink of looking at winding up pwhy, as I have been unable to give it the time it deserves. My team has been ace and has kept the project alive and kicking but the Damocles sword of funds still hangs and the sustainability plan is still just that a plan!

Sometimes one wonders how things should end. (apologies but thoughts of the Dark Angel have been up most on my mind). Life is replete with endings and new beginnings. The wise know that. Many early civilisations and even our own gave the choice of deciding when to proceed to the forests or the mountains. I have always wished for an exit with dignity for those I love. I realise that I want the same for project why. But the two little medals were a gentle reminder that there was still more to be done before the last hurrah

We have come a long way Popples and I. When I first saw him, I could have never imagines that the little bonny chap being bathed every morning in front of what used to be my office would one day become an integral part of my life. He had to suffer excruciating physical pain and tormenting mental hurt before he did become part of us but the way is still long and before my last hurrah, his life has to be secured. If I am to be worthy of being Maam’ji, then there is a long way to go. But what is important is to start planning for all eventualities now. Yes I am a proud Maam’ji with all it entails.

As always Nani was on ride duty yesterday evening! Rides at the Kalka Temple which are my grandson’s preferred ones. And the all time is the ‘jump jump’ which is a big inflatable copy of a  Disney character. It is also Utpal’s all time comfort    place as it has been a constant in his tumultuous life since he was a baby. So it is a place I cannot escape as both my boys love it. The strange thing is that it grows on you once you get past the initial shock as it is a place that aggresses all your senses    with a indescribable violence, leaving you gasping for breath. If you are brave enough survive the initial shock and set your apprehensions aside, you are in for an unforgettable experience. The place is magic and grows on you as the squalor you first see surreptitiously gets replaced by the intensity and fervour of the faith of everyone around.

A visit to the Temple can be a family outing. Women dressed in glittering attire, bedecked with jewels, children in their Sunday clothes coming to pay hommage to the Goddess who is not easy to access. Sometimes the wait in the queue can be for hours at end, but no one minds. Strewn along the way are shops selling ritual offerings, but also drink and food and of course toys! After paying obeisance to the Goddess it is time to relax and enjoy: a stop at one of the many eateries offering a varied fare, shopping for religious ware of all kind, from idols to incense; succumbing to the constant tug at your clothes and whining demand and purchasing a toy or stopping at the rides, the options are varied and numerous. Certain days are busier than others.

Amidst all, the visitors are the ‘residents’ of the Temple. I do not mean the priests but those that have made the temple their home. The ones that society has marginalised and forgotten. There are the very old and  the disabled but also younger men and women as well as children. The temple premisses gives them not only shelter but allows them to live with the dignity they lots for no fault of theirs. They live their life on terms they may not have chosen but have adapted with grace. In the early mornings when I go to the temple to complete my chalisa (40 days), I have never been asked for money but for a cup of tea, a fruit, a meal, clothes..!

Yesterday, when I was ‘on duty’ at the rides two little girls approached me. They must have been 9 or 10. It is always difficult to guess the right age of One was wearing a worn out municipal school dress. I do not know if she does go to any school. I do not think so. The other girl was wearing a washed out dress of indeterminable colour. Both were bare feet and seemed to belong to the ‘resident’ community and must have left their posts and gone for a stroll. They stood besides me for a long time. Then one of them mustered up the courage to ask the question they had been dying to: buy us a ride! Those three little words brought to fore in an instant the terrible reality we are all guilty of: letting down the children of India born on the wrong side of the invisible fence, in spite of all the highfalutin  schemes and laws that are so eagerly shoved down our throats by wily politicians. We pay the cesses and levies that are dumped on us in the name of education, health, and what not, never wondering why any child should be begging on the streets, or working in a home or in a tea shop!

All children are children and have the same desires and dreams. Be they rich or poor. Buy us a ride is a poignant proof of this sad reality.

I did buy them a ride, or rather many rides! I hope that for those few moments they forgot all their woes and laughed their hearts out the way only children can!