by Anuradha Bakshi | Jan 8, 2008 | Uncategorized
I have been battling with myself about writing this post as I know that if I do write it with honesty and candor it may peel off some of the carefully pasted layers that has fabricated what I look like today. I thought the glue was strong and the image would withstand all storms: how wrong I was!
Sunday Januray 6th 2008 was to be a special day as after a long time my daughter had convinced me to see a movie with her and we were all set to have fun. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to ensue. The movie, the incredibly touching Tare Zameen Par, was to bring about a catharsis I was not prepared for.
As I watched mesmerised I saw my life enfolding itself and all that I had carefully buried after whitewashing and veneering it to suit myself, came back to me raw and unconcealed in ways that I had refuse to see. As the child was seen battling with letters and figures I relived the days when I too sat with a lovely little girl drumming letters and figures and not comprehending why she looked at me with huge pleading eyes seeking love and understanding. The little girl was the young woman sitting next to me: my daughter S! I saw myself as what I had been and I realised for the very first time the pain and agony my child had suffered because I had failed her when she needed me most.
It took me a long time to comprehend her and I can draw paltry satisfaction in saying that I did not send her to boarding school and did ultimately listen to her and let her follow her heart. But can I make up for all the ugly words I said to her, or all the times I stubbornly refused to hear her cries for help! As I watched the film I understood for the first time what S went through day after day, year after year as I carried on placing on her frail shoulders a burden she could not carry.
The film ended and we all wiped our tears, having each wept for our own reasons. For S it was easy to get on with her day as she finally had found a way to be vindicated, but I had more layers to shed as I knew that this was the only and last chance I had to redeem myself in my own eyes. A simple hug and a heartfelt sorry would not suffice this time if life was to go on. The flood of visible tears had dried leaving a few streaks that could easily be washed but the journey was not over, actually it has just begun.
Images from the past swarmed my mind, each needing to be reinterpreted and confronted before being dealt with and mercifully healed. S was just 9 or 10 when she told me she wanted to work with special children; was it not her way of telling me that she was one herself? It took me 5 long years to understand that and today she does just what she had always wanted with such compassion and sensitivity that my heart swells with pride each time I see her.
I remember a friend telling me long back when I was battling with trying to make S conform to accepted norms that special children were sent to earth by God to very privileged people as they were His messengers and taught us things we did not know about ourselves often giving us a chance to walk that extra mile. At that time I had pooh poohed her words so lost I was in my own hubris. Today I realise that were if not for S there would be no Project Why and I thank the heavens above to have given me the possibility to atone my wrongs. Perhaps the oft unfathomable and illogical passion I feel for my work is nothing extraordinary but simply a tiny step in a journey that still unfinished.
We as parents and adults often forget our own childhood and the pangs we suffered. What we carry as adults is our failures, and broken dreams, our unrealistic aspirations and impossible goals and then lost in the mediocrity of our lives and our refusal to accept our own limitations we simply transfer the burden on the shoulders of our children exhorting them to fulfill what we could not. So every parent even the most illiterate one wants his child to be a topper! Wonder what the world would like if everyone was just that: a topper!
And to get what we want, we do not use love, or coaxing, or kindness, we simply resort to hurting and abusing. I remember the winter of 2000 when we had just begun hesitant English classes. Some class X students had been beaten in school and we had decided to meet with the authorities and settle the issue. It was a Principal’s office worthy of a Dickensian novel and so were the protagonists. As the young boys stool in silence, the headmaster hurled a string of abuse at them likening them to gutter snipes with no hope of redemption. In the deafening silence I heard the sound of hopes shattering and took probably one of the most important decisions of pwhy as I worded a response to the taunting challenge: they would pass their examinations no matter what. They did and some of them today are finishing their college!
I realise today that were it not for S, I too would have remained silent nodding a pitiable acceptance. Since that day I have never allowed myself the luxury of not hearing! But the journey does not end there as I sit reviewing my so called adult life. Were it not for my child my life too would have been spent in shades of grey and I would have never experienced the splashes of vibrant colour that come your way when you learn to accept embrace and celebrate difference. Were it not for S, I would never have gathered the courage to walk the road less travelled and made a tiny difference.
One can never put the clock back and redress torts gone by. I guess one can easily say sorry to the ones that we have hurt, and they more often than not have hearts large enough to forgive us. What is more important is to be able to forgive one’s self as, in the words of Mary Angelou: You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self.
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that setting up project why is not what I have conveniently chosen to believe and project to others. It is actually the slow and still unfinished process of forgiving myself. The journey continues and at each step I whisper a silent word of gratitude to the one who made it possible.
If not for you S I could not have become what I am today. You are very special!
Note: this post sat a long time unpublished. It is not easy to accept one’s failings let alone share them with one and all. But unless one does life’s journey remains meaningless!
by Anuradha Bakshi | Jan 6, 2008 | Uncategorized
Two years ago when pwhy was facing one of its proverbial financial crisis, our indomitable friend Isabelle decided to do something. Knowing Isabelle it had to be something unique and it was. On July 29th 2006 a heart warming event was held to help pwhy survive. Since it has begun an annual event and on that day two very special souls Christophe and Judith play and dance their hearts away for children they had never met.
January 3rd 2008 was to be a very blessed day as Christophe and Judith finally met some of the children they already carried in their hearts as they found time from their busy schedule to come to pwhy. As they had little time we all went down to the special section where they children has just settled for the day. Soon copy books were cast aside and the the CD player was turned on and almost by magic these bunch of very special kids decided to say thank you in their own way by dancing for their very special friends. It did not matter whether some could not hear, or others could not walk; it did not matter if no one spoken the same language everyone decided to put their best foot forward and dance with their hearts. Even as I write these words my eyes are moist as nothing can ever truly convey what happened in those precious moments. It was a moment only for he privileged as the gods came down from heaven to be part of it.
Judith then decided to dance a Flamenco for the children and even if the guitar had been left behind Christophe provided the beat with his hands and feet. All the kids were mesmerised and I could see little feet tapping. But blessed moments come and it was soon time to say farewell. But promises were made as our hearing impaired girls who are great dancers wanted to learn the Flamenco and our friends pledged to come back.
Our camera did capture some of these moments for you
by Anuradha Bakshi | Jan 6, 2008 | Uncategorized
Tommy can you hear me sang the Who in their famous rock opera way back in 1970! Soon we at project why will be singing Rinky, Saheda, Pooja can your hear us!
These three lovely hearing impaired girls who have been with us now for many years will soon be able to hear thanks to some very special friends in Germany!
They will be fitted with very sophisticated hearing aids that will allow them to hear the world and learn new experiences and above all be safe!
Rinky will be able to hear her clients at the beauty parlour where she works part-time and maybe get the raise she hopes. Her walk back home late in the evening will be less frightening. Saheeda will find it easier when she joins her beauty course in March and little Pooja may be able to learn much more before she decides what she wants to do in life!
Yesterday they audiometrist came for the first measurements and it was quite an experience:
by Anuradha Bakshi | Jan 6, 2008 | Uncategorized
If I had a hammer…I’d hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters goes the age old lyrics of Lee Hays and Pete Seeger.
I remembered this song when the Mitchells came to project why on the very first day of 2008. they had come all the way from Spain where they lead a retired life to volunteer at project why and wanted not just to spend time with the children but wanted to help build or repair something. Well we do not have much that we could build, but the floor our Okhla centre that sits pretty in our reclaimed garbage dump was in a pitiable state and the Mitchells decided that they would rebuild it.
To any sane person, the building ways of India are nothing short of anti-diluvial but this wonderful couple would stop at nothing. The first task was to buy material. A trip to the local store turned out to be quite an experience as the store keeper could not understand why we did not want any mason or labour too! It took a long tome explaining but we managed and then for the next three days a happy crew of two lovely beings and a gang of excited kids set out to break and plaster the broken floor. It was bitterly cold and the cement and water was freezing. needless to say that there were no gloves and most of the kids were barefoot but the task was undertaken with eagerness and enthusiasm and oodles of fun.
Many bystanders wondered why two white people were dirtying their hands in this godforsaken place: the answer was simple they were hammering out love.
by Anuradha Bakshi | Jan 5, 2008 | Uncategorized
Come January 15th we run the risk of getting stopped by the police and asked for an identity proof or give the reason for our staying in Delhi. This is what the administrative head of the city decreed some time back. Nothing wrong as this is something that happens in many cities the world over. But oh darling yeh hai India and things are quite different here.
As soon as the news was made public the political head of the city candidly stated on national TV: I got to know about this from the newspapers making one wonder whether we are in some kind of wonderland!
In spite of being independent for over six decades, we as a nation have not been able to issue a unique ID card to all our citizens. A photo identity card is what will now be mandatory: passport, driving licence, ration card, voter ID card were some of the suggestions made. This may be feasible for some but for many who live in this city it is a a quasi impossibility. Securing a civic identity proof is a catch 22 situation as we learnt when we tried to get Manu one. Yet Manu is no migrant: he was born in this city over 30 years ago! In spite of all our efforts we failed!
I shudder to think at what might happen come the ides of January; simple people who try to eek a living in this city will be unnecessarily harassed and will have to once more pay their way out as the police carry their supposed random checks!
Yes we need ID cards for all citizens of the country and this is something the government should ensure in a doable manner keeping in mind the existing reality. Unfortunately what happens is that to meet political ends short cuts are often adopted as one often sees during elections. I must confess that I have always voted though I do not have an election card as make shift solutions were always at hand.
Guess time has come again to look for such solutions! A sad reflection of the reality we live in!
by Anuradha Bakshi | Jan 2, 2008 | Uncategorized
This morning S dropped by at the women centre to discuss our road map for planet why. It was not a matter of convincing ourselves, or anyone else for that matter, of the validity of the project. It even makes good business sense were it viewed solely as a business proposition. Actually it has to be so, as we need the profits to continue the work we began 8 years ago and graduate from the status of perpetual albeit high-tech beggars to that of people capable of fulfilling our dreams ourselves.
I have often talked about planet why and shared my vision trying to view it from all possible angles: be it the sustainability factor or the humane one. I have pitched it within the confines of social enterprise as well as that of what is now known as volontourism! Which ever way one looked at it, it always seemed to make sense.
As Anatole France said: To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. I guess one needs to turn the quote a little as dreamed and believe we have, now it is time to act!
I remember the days when I found it infra-dig to speak of money. I shudder to think of all that was owed to me that I never sought back. Then came pwhy and with it many little dreams that needed to be fulfilled; dreams entrusted to me by the God of Lesser Beings. And the only way to accomplish this daunting yet edifying task was to quickly give up what one considered demeaning and learn to beg. I must admit I learnt quickly and that is how we could achieve all that we have.
Today as we set out to translate another dream into reality I find myself faced with the necessity of taking a quantum leap in my new found profession as what we need today is a staggering figure with a string of zeros I cannot even formulate. And yet the dumbfounding figure pales in the wake of what it would actually yield: smiles on faces that had forgotten to smile, hope in hearts where there was only despair, shelter to those who live in constant fear and above all a tomorrow for those whose today has died.
Actually it is something was one has been doing till now but the target was small as it was just a matter of being able to carry on one day at time, one month at a time and so on for nearing nine years now! But this hand to mouth existence can only be temporary just as we are. What we seek now is secure all the tomorrows and moor them firmly so that little boys little Utpal can sleep in peace. That is what planet why is all about.
I know that there are people across the planet who know how to see with their hearts. I did find so many of them and they are the ones who made pwhy the vibrant reality it is is. I need now to just like the Little prince of St Exupery to set out on new travels and find the right ones. Past experience has shown that they are not easy to come by but dreams are never easy to fulfill and one does comes across businessmen too busy to look at you. But one has to persevere till the end and view the humongous figure as an aggregate of many smaller ones as my dear friend M put it.
I also know that simple humane stories of children will not suffice this time. So we do have our set of learned men furiously making plans with all the needed columns and projections to reassure the kind hearted persons who will be willing to invest in our dream to prove to them that it is worthy of their trust.
Nothing happens unless first we dream. (Carl Sandburg)
