“The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose. ” wrote the 17 century British poet Hada Bejar
I do not know whether I am livid, desolate or have just become inured to whatever comes my way. I do not think so as each time I come across an incident like the one that happened yesterday my blood boils and then curdles. Over the past years I have often vented my anger when faced with situations that demean the very act of giving.
Let me end the suspense. Here is what happened: last week I got a phone call from a well to do up market lady who lives in one of the poshest colony of our city. She asked me to send someone as she had things to donate for the children. In spite of having been bitten many times, specially when the so called donor is from a particular strata of society, we promptly sent one of our three wheelers to the lady’s home. He came back some time later with over a dozen plastic bags of all sizes stuffed with things. The bags were deposited on our terrace waiting to be emptied.
Jenine and Nina two volunteers from Canada and the US and some of our staff were given the task of sorting things so that they could be handed over. It did not take long to realise that what had been sent to us as donation was a heap of rubbish: dirty and torn clothes, broken toys – half a Barbie doll, half a chess board etc – dusty and stained lampshades, broken shoes and even stained and tattered undergarments. It was a nightmare to sort things out. At the end of it all there was not one article that could be put to use. Even the kabariwalla (recycle man) called later refused to pick anything up!
Needless to say that the volunteers were shocked beyond words and our staff members angry and even humiliated. The question on every one’s lips was: How dare she….
Charity as one sees it today is often nothing short of galling. I often wonder what the real motivation is: a topic to discuss at the next kitty party in the hope of getting a pat in the back, a desire to be written about on page 3, a way to ease ones’ conscience, or simply a way of getting rid of the rubbish no one else wants. I wonder how the lady in question set about collecting the items she sent us. Did she just ask all in her family to set aside what they wanted to get rid off, or simply did a long overdue spring cleaning. I do not know, but what really riles me is that she could for even a second think that what she was sending could be used by anyone!
I guess I will never learn. A few years back a bunch of ladies belonging to a respectable and even elite international club decided to donate us toys. These came beautifully wrapped and were handed over with great drama. After the ladies left we opened the packets and were shocked to see that all the toys and games were not only used but broken and incomplete. When I brought this to the notice of the convener she simply said: what difference does it make, it is only for a poor child! Needles to say that I returned all of them.
Are there any lessons to be learnt? I do not know. What I do know is that not a single of the slum people I work with would have the audacity to give any broken or dirty article to another human being. So what makes this and other ladies do such a thing. And there we once again reach the realm of the two Indias. Is it that they truly believe that the so called poor will accept anything with gratitude, that they have no right to feel humiliated or angered. Have values like compassion and generosity completely disappeared from the lives of the rich and affluent. Do they not realise that in acting in such away it is they that look poor and pitiable as in Bejar’s words the fragrance stays in the hand that gives.
why they bother well I guess to ease their conscience.. thanks for being there and sharing my anger
How could donating rubbish ease their conscience??? They’re just getting rid of their rubbish is all. How horrible these people are! It’s like giving food that’s gone bad to people who are poor – “they wont mind”. Really!!!
I would take a picture of everything “donated” by the lady and publish it in the leading newspapers with her name and address “thanking” her for the thoughtful donation. It will cost some money for the ad space, but it is worth it for the lesson it teaches such haughty people.
This is awful. I am so sorry you and your organization and workers were insulted like this. Personally, I don’t think people who are well-off are unaware at all when they do this. They are sending a message about their value compared to others and it is very wrong.
your anger is a 100% justified!! did she take a trip to the rubbish bin instead of the attic??
I agree if everything each one of you says.. I does make me livid but then terribly sad. And the reality is that organisations like ours have to knock at these very doors for help.. but what worries me more is the kind of message parents like these give to their children? what kind of adults will these kids become!
Welcome to the world of gated communities where parents says that tey are protecting their offspring from the world outside, the world outside being a child playing in the garbage next to the shack where his family lives, his family being one of those building such gated communities…
where are we gong and how ill it end
while i do empathize with you, i feel compelled to raise an opposing point of view. granted that i did not actually see these items personally, but why do you assume that the lady gave these to get rid of her junk? why don’t we give her the benefit of the doubt that she wanted to donate something, but didn’t know what was acceptable? as such, it is hard for people to show any form of charity or generosity these days. to top that, if we express anger at the incoming donation, wouldn’t it seem elitist on our part? i do like the idea of putting out a suggested quality of donations list- but explain why you can’t simply accept everything. eg, safety of children playing with sharp edged plastic/ metal toys.
and at the risk of sounding like “one of those ladies”, i ask- is it not possible to reuse the clothes if we wash it ourselves?
i do appreciate the work projectwhy does and i wish you all the very best always.
As one of the volunteers who went through the bags of donated items, I can assure you that the bags were full of junk and they had been lying around for a while as my hands were completely black froms dirt after going through the items. Any usable clothes or other items would obviously be washed and distributed, but I cannot imagine trying to wash stained and torn underwear and then giving it to another human being. We are going to put a suggested donations list together, but you would hope that people would also have enough common sense and empathy to realize that barbie body parts and broken shoes are not useful for anyone regardless of how poor he or she may be.
Can you send it all back to her? Please do.
You should’ve sent it right back on your own expense with special instructions to dump the crap in the middle of their living room. Unless that happens, how will the holier-than-thous learn?
I’ve come across a person who is supposed to provide a meal for her maid in addition to her monthly pay. She waits for one full day – keeping the food outside the fridge and gives it to the maid the next day – after it has started going bad. Would it kill her to give the food that very day so atleast the maid could eat good food for that ONE meal?
Some people ARE this mean!
Utterly disgusting. And since Madam was so upmarket she could at least have sent her rubbish with her own driver, instead of having your people pick it up. Bah.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it”
And by venting out your anger (and feeling good when a few shared similar feelings of anger), I think you have NOT done anything about it. But may be you have done something…and this forum isnt aware of it.
Also, I think it would have sufficed to mention that ‘a’ lady did such and such…bringing that lady’s social class into your writing was NOT really important. Have you got something personal against the upper strata?
Just call her up and return the things. That will serve as a good lesson.
unbelievable! and of course, the class matters very much – people like us in the upper strata, have a responsibility to be more conscious, whether we like it or not.
Could you not return everything to her personally and inform her politely but making the point nonetheless, that dirty and broken stuff is meant to be sent to the trash and not ‘donated’ ’cause they are simply unfit for use by anyone anymore?
Sharing your angst..
Generosity cant shine unless there is miserliness to contrast it against. Two sides of the same coin! Self righteousness is unbecoming of those who think they are doing good work. Just do the so called good work-without judgment or criticism of this kind.Along with the Good the Bad WILL be there too.
Regards.
What? She gave a disfigured or dismantle toys? What did she think about those children? Spare parts? It’s better not to give at all than to insult those little children—Bad, really bad! Just too bad!
People are just so mean—-
that sounds awful and i dont condone it at all – but i’d like to make a suggestion that someone else has already – a list of what is acceptable. Simply because other organisations like Goonj etc ask for the rubbish, the used papers, the broken steel furniture because they sell it themselves and use whatever they get from the kabadiwala for their organisation. also scraps of old cloth etc.
Just a suggestion…
hope you returned it to her. with whatever other garbage you had lying around. bloody disgusting. everytime we do a round her to collect old clothes, we receive such torn and worn stuff, even after making it clear that we want only clothes that are clean and in good condition. disgusting!
Understand how your volunteers feel.We had a similar situation collecting material for a relief camp a few years back.
The number of people who donate tattered undergarments and things they had piled up as junk is very high in our country. We have made strict rules for donors since then.
Of all the over 800 posts I have written over the past 3 and half years this is the one that has got the maximum number of comments (21). Some have reacted with anger, others have attempted to try and see the other side, if there is one.
Someone felt I was venting my anger and feeling good that it was shared.
Far from that.
What I feel is sadness and at the same time a desire to see what can be done to make people start looking with their heart.
I don’t know Abhi…of course it was evil of the woman to give a total trash bag…but I have another point of view. In my home when I decide to throw away old or even broken stuff and faded clothes, or just stuff I am tired of (yes, that happens too and I hope you won’t judge me harshly for it) I always run it past the cook, the domestic helpers, driver and security guard. They find infinite use for all kinds of things and are very grateful for it. My maid chose old shower curtain rings to hook up her tarpaulin screen outside her house during the monsoon. Old soft cotton nighties, even with a tear, come in useful for womenfolk and their daughters who use rags for their periods (Why don’t I give them napkins? They don’t always like them and many don’t wear panties). They even take bent spoons and dented steel plates and old Aquafina bottles and plastic shopping bags and rusted screw drivers. My driver Ravi took my discarded Nikes with slightly torn soles for his 12 year old son, who is learning to play football. (I did get them pasted down first with Fevicol at the jod-repair). He was delighted. So was I. He also took my dodgy set top box when we got DTH television.
We call it recycling, reducing our carbon footprint – for poor people it is just saving money, survival, keeping body and soul together.
Our family helps them all in other ways as well, including giving new clothes and gifts through the year, helping with school fees, medical bills etc, making sure they eat fresh wholesome meals (I am obsessive about nutrition) – but they would be hurt if I gave away old stuff without asking them first if they needed any of it. And they would be too embarrassed to ask me directly for first refusal.
Often I find things that I have thrown away in the wastepaper basket re appear among their things. I was cleaning the pantry shelf just yesterday. Knowing how my cook Laxmi saves every discarded thingie (Surf spoons by the dozen – some chipped – bottles, jars and dispensers of every description) I had to tell her and Mekhala, the kindly maid, to please positively, definitely throw all the junk (to my mind)away. They looked hurt and sulked for a little while.
I have seen garbage bins in the US overflowing with all sorts of things including used microwave ovens, old clothes, furniture. Why, even cars are dumped on piles. I am always appalled and think how well we could sell these in our second hand market
I can’t afford to give all the poor new stuff all the time and if they are happy with the old, why not?
A lot of charities in the US are very strict about the quality of things they will accept and very often have guidelines. I think you sometimes you might find that it is really ignorance coupled with laziness to sort through and only donate acceptable items. I don’t think that they are acceptable excuses at all but it might save you some grief if you came up with a list of clothing, and rob these people of their excuses. For e.g I have seen charities specify “gently used” clothing and also specify “please do not give away something that you would not wear yourself”, and with toys the lists are quite detailed out specifying broken toys as completely unacceptable.
I might sound harsh,but there is no way out. Just dump the entire thing at her doorstep with a typewritten note of the min requirements the things should meet.
That may be true in the prosperous US. But here in India, I do give away clothes I would not wear myself and I am not ashamed of it. I make sure they are washed, folded and sometimes also ironed and then pass it on to the poor who are very happy to receive it and do not think it is humiliating in the least bit. Neither do I.
Yes, I primarily go with the article.
When i was in anjar / bhuj during gujarat earthquake, We saw heaps and heaps of old garments / torn out garments and wasnot picked. The same thing happened during tsunami also.
We had as principle to collect what is required and accordingly suggest the donors to provide Instead of accepting whatever comes… That made a big difference for the receipients the donors and for us as the volunteers.
In the organization we work for, we have refused taking donations of clothes, toys and furniture for the exact same reason. Even computers. Earlier people used to throw all their useless computers at our office. We used to naively take the computers in the hope that we could repair them and use it. What happened actually was that the total amount we spent in repairing could buy us a new computer! Now we have a standard configuration which we give people who want to donate.
There have been many people who have taken great offense because we have said no! But we stick to our guns and let them go. The donors we have now are those whose respect and trust we have earned.
But looking at the other side, even if you were to say no to the garbage, there would be other organization who would take it and be ‘grateful’. The lady’s ego is massaged and she feels her Karma is cleansed. How do we make her learn? Do we shame her? Do we try gently to tell her that her bags of donated items is just pure crap? I somehow like the idea mentioned above of putting it up in newspapers! 🙂
Could it be a policy for you that any items which have been donated need to be sorted out at the donor’s house itself?
This is my first time here.. and from the little I can gather..my first impression is in your chosen field, meeting your goals is such an uphill task that you can’t afford to bring in feelings into it.. The lady was plain stupid.. but deal with it in an unemotional manner.. picture the contents (to back your claim in future)..and bang on her door and return it. No emotions.. just pure business.. yes we accept charity..we dont accept trash.. That will help alleviate the pain for your employees too.
only one thing to say to this:
Name and Shame.
No ‘lady’ business. Her name, up front. If we have no rules that protect us from what some call charity, we have no rules on being sued for saying the truth either.
whatever her motivation for sending stuff might have been, u must please send it back to her. please.
people need to know – even if I want to believe she didn’t know better…the only way out is for her to know that this is not acceptable.
this is so disgusting
now these people need education on what can be donated or what cannot.
is it possible for u to have a dos and donts or atleast check before sending the 3 wheeler to them
at our school we used t hav a christmas donation thinggie and it was very clearly mentioned what is allowed and what is not so made life easier for even the donor
but what u hav cited are pure shamelessness